Joke monthly magazine, May 2003 issue, editor & artist: cclu, publication date: 2003.06.04 Bamboo review: The east wind blows, the war drums beat, May’s original works are like a flood Compare who is the big rapeseed, women are not inferior to men This issue features: "Brother Biu's flattery" series This issue's classic articles also include "Brother I'm Depressed" "The blood and tears that prove the transformation of women in Zone" "Twenty Years of Bits and Pieces Y" "The Years of Love, a wedding dress made for my sister" "The Isolation Room Edition of Big Shots Original" "Roll Call" "A Story of Xiao Yin Yin" "The Jealous Master's Wife" Boutique Appreciation: . Biu brother flattering series [one] Brother Biu has been in the world for thirty or forty years, but he has never eaten much real pork. But does this pig run away? I have indeed seen some people. Brother Biu discovered that a decent flattery is like the fragrant love fluid Makes your relationships smoother Master the art of flattery and you will be like a fish in water. If you want the wind, you can get the wind. If you want the water, you can get the water. Over the years, Brother Biu has really flattered me a lot. Fallen flowers are colorful, pick out one or two to carry shoes for the brothers on the page Biu brother first tried his skills in the first year of college I remember that on the first day of school, our class teacher kindly came to the student dormitory to express condolences to everyone. The head teacher is a female, about forty years old. She maintains a good figure and looks much younger than her actual age. As soon as she arrived, everyone complimented her on how young and beautiful she looked. It made our head teacher so happy that the whole branch was shaking. Brother Biu didn't say a word at that time Later, when the head teacher was leaving, he asked everyone if they had any questions. Brother Biu raised his hand timidly and said, "Teacher, I want to ask you, do you practice bodybuilding?" The head teacher was taken aback and said confusedly, "I'm not practicing. Why do you ask?" So Brother Biu blushed and said solemnly Nothing, nothing. I just want to know if there is any secret recipe for your figure. Hearing a squealing sound, our class teacher whipped him out on the spot. The next day, the head teacher solemnly announced that Brother Biu was appointed as the Youth League Secretary Although he resigned after working for less than half a semester, this can be regarded as a small victory for Brother Biu, haha. To sum up, the advantage of this flattery is that it hits the flesh directly and penetrates directly into the heart of the enemy. But at the same time, the disadvantage is that it is too direct and unsubtle and needs improvement. [two] Biu brother also flattered countless people after working You're much more mature now I remember that Little F, who was working with me at the time, was not doing well. The minister is very dissatisfied, but given his character, he will definitely not say so directly. So one day, the minister called Brother Biu to his office Scold little F in front of brother biu Classmates, if it were you, what would you do in this situation? Anyway, Brother Biu didn’t say a word at that time, he just listened. After a while, when the minister was done venting, Brother Biu said Miao Sheng, our minister’s surname is Miao. Calm down. Actually, there’s nothing you can do, young man. How can you not make mistakes? Just give him a little more time and let him follow you. I believe that you don't need to say anything specific. Your charisma alone can make him change imperceptibly. After saying this, for a long time, I found that our minister had no reaction. Just take a sneak peek, okay... I saw a muscle on his old man's face that had been twitching with excitement. After a long time, the minister waved his hand and said you should go back. Later, Brother Biu’s sister asked Brother Biu to accompany her to go shopping and clean their dormitory. Every time Brother Biu goes to the minister to ask for leave, he gets it right and no money is deducted. [three] Later, Brother Biu was idle at home Once I took my wife to a certain village as a guest, and the village chief hosted a banquet in honor of her. Their village is a wealthy village and has many entities. The foot washing city, the sauna center, and the Meng Sister Psychological Clinic are all in a row. There were three village chief secretaries who accompanied us to dinner, two men and one woman. During the dinner, another village official asked to see him. He asked the village chief for instructions in a panic. Village seat, the father of the second son of a bitch in our village has come to ask again. Do you think you can handle this matter for him? The village chief glared, slammed the table, and shouted angrily: "No need to ask." Looking at the secretary again, her face turned pale with fear, she hunched over and faced us. I didn't dare to turn around and walked backwards out of the room. He kept mumbling and repeating Oh, it's my fault. Look, I shouldn't have asked. I really shouldn't have asked. It's my fault. It's my fault He has already left the house and you can still hear his chattering in the corridor. My wife and I looked at each other in confusion. From then on, we had a deeper perceptual understanding of the word Tuhuang. But I still had to continue eating that meal at that time. But the atmosphere is much duller After eating for a while, a secretary talked about a famous person in their village. He said how hard it was to make revolution when he was young, but of course it eventually became successful. Became an official in the Central Committee My wife was very moved and said, ah, it turns out he suffered so much when he was young. When I saw the opportunity coming, I decisively patted my wife on the shoulder and said Is that obvious? Any success doesn’t fall from the sky, right? If you don’t believe me, ask our village chief How can he have the identity and status he has today? The efforts he put in when he was young are unimaginable to ordinary people. hia hia Accompanied by two strange and prolonged screams, our village chief smiled heartily. He waved his fat hand and shouted out the door, "Cui Hua'er, give us two more plates of prawns." [Four] As I said before, Brother Biu has been in the world for fifty or sixty years and has flattered countless people. During this period, there were successes and failures. Here is another example of failure. I hope brothers can learn from it. It was the wedding night The guests left one by one Brother Biu and his wife dragged their exhausted bodies and lay heavily on the bed Thinking about the new heaven and new earth that is about to begin, Brother Biu’s heart is filled with turbulent emotions. 最后 俺凝视着老婆的脸 说 老婆 你真美 老婆含羞一笑 我又说 真的 真美 就跟俺看过的西方油画上画的那些人物似的... 老婆娇羞地低下了头 过了三五分钟 老婆猛然抬起头来 问道 你说啥 你刚才说啥 跟油画上似的 好啊 你嫌我胖是不是 ......此处略去血字若干...... 可怜的biu哥 新婚之夜 像个老鼠似的被老婆打得在新房里四处乱窜 偶师兄的郁闷 1 作者:warranty 长毛猫 师兄面临毕业 到北京求职 @> 从外地到北京找到其gf借了自行车 孰料办事出来以后发现车丢了 Ο Ο 抓耳挠腮之际 见一警察叔叔笑容可掬地走过来问他 咋地了 师兄re 车丢了 警察叔叔进一步询问 什么车 SANTANA还是富康 师兄大窘 奔驰 扭头走掉了 ー 关于Zone 女大十八变的血泪证明 作者 Zone 序 BF不满我老揭他的短 要求我自曝其短 虽有此文 较长 实犯了joke 短小精悍 之大忌 后人可引以为戒 是为序 我的出生仿佛就预示了我的坎坷前途 据说 刚生出来的我 让盼着抱孙子的爷爷着实白高兴了一场 幼儿园的我是怎样 已经没有多少人证物证了 自己的记忆也一塌糊涂 不过后来居然给我翻出一张彩照 看完以后 我都想自殴 头顶一朵大红花 双颊涂得跟猴屁股一样 最关键的是 脸胖得跟捏花肉包一样 为了增强自信心 我缠着老妈让她回忆往昔 企图证明虽然Zone长得不pp 小人儿还是蛮可爱的 结果 一顿早餐吃四个面包 课间偷跑去教师办公室蹭奶茶餐包 老妈是幼儿园园长 跟男生打架 被老妈罚站 种种不堪回首的往事都被翻了出来 终于 小学有了些属于自己的记忆 最深刻几件事如下 1 经常被一群小小孩追在后面 原因无他 只是想证明我是男生还是女生 2 从四年级开始学英语 老师是副校长 风流倜傥 在我们幼小的心灵中也算是个偶像 经常给我们讲故事 其中最经典的就是 双枪老太婆 的故事 因为讲完以后 全班同学都叫我 双枪老太婆 了 不要问我为什么 我也不知道 只知道当时很庆幸是 老太婆 不是 老太公 3 五年级 居然被教学楼上六年级的老大看上了 别说 那位大哥实在很帅 现在再看他照片都觉得很帅 不过最让我伤心的是 他1米七几 我呢 才一米四左右 那时候 刚装电话不久 他的一帮兄弟不知道从哪里弄到我的电话号码 三天两头给我打电话 劈头盖脸就叫我 大嫂 天啦 我何德何能呀 我可是 乖宝宝 一个呢 后来才知道 那位老大发现我跟男生处得很好 废话 我在他们眼中就是兄弟 还公开跟别班的 古惑仔 杠上过 觉得我颇有潜力 555 后来 我上了重点中学 感觉很happy 因为重点中学最大的特色就是 只要你学习好 长相即使很对不起人民 也照样在众人心目中闪闪发光 呵呵 我完全符合 闪闪发光 的要求 初中就这样闪了两年 最后被一个男生的话直接送进了地狱 原话基本如下 像女生的男生可悲 像男生的女生可怕 OK 我承认我属于 可怕 那一类 不过我也没让他独乐 后来的日子里 我让他归入了 可悲 那一类 非关长相 只是因为我成了他的 损友 高中 555 似乎更惨 没多久就获得了 根号2 的昵称 那帮家伙因为我是班长 被压得死死的 所以只好逞口舌之快 哼 加倍修理 幸好 快毕业的时候居然拐到了一个 根号3 的男生 就是我现在笨笨的男朋友了 说你笨 还不承认 要不当初怎么会追我 BF的画外音 还说 当初也不知道哪根筋搭错了 别再说了 悔不当初就一个字 说到我和bf 只能慨叹 缘分 两个字的奇妙 咬牙切齿ing 他一家都是帅哥美女 第一次碰见他老爸 是刚下完体育课 他问他儿子在哪里 我惊为天人 不知道当时有没有流口水 不过后来bf告诉我 他老爸找到他后 说 那个女生是你们班学习最好的那个谁谁谁吧 天哪 脸上的植树造林工作实在是做得太好了 第一次碰见他貌若天仙的两位姐姐 是在家长会上 注 每次家长会 我们班的男男女女都会挤着去看这两位美女 后来听bf说 他两个姐姐对我的评价 嗯 学习很好 嗯 很有能力 嗯 就是脸上盖了太多公章 再后来 去他家拜访 看见了他妈妈 oh my god 美女呀 接着又看见他大哥 oh my goodness 帅哥呀 这才明白 原来bf在他们家只能算次品 虽然绝对值仍然高于普通大众一个层次 所以多少能理解我的心情 两人可谓惺惺相惜了 终于熬到了清华 oh 我心目中的恐龙乐园 才发现 清华mm的质量比传闻中的高出不止一点点 继续哭 在被没有安全感的我问了N多次会不会嫌弃我后 木讷的bf终于爆发了 我喜欢的是你的个性 管你长成什么样 美女帅哥在家里看多了 换个口味也很好呀 正在感动的时候 慷慨激昂的bf忽然放低了音量 小心翼翼地说 不过 只有懒女人 没有丑女人 你是不是也应该稍微注意一下打扮呢 你也知道 男生有时候也是要面子的 我终于明白了 为什么从认识以后 他就没怎么带我去见过他的朋友 为此 冷战了一段时间以后 有一天 起床看着镜子里的自己 我知道自己要跟这样的形象说88了 因为好像还是bf受的委屈比较多 我花了将近三年的时间变变变 哼 不要问我结果如何 我只知道 现在bf经常问我 你会不会嫌弃我呢 In this way, Zone has used more than 20 years and a history of blood and tears to prove that it is possible for women to undergo eighteen-year transformation. ο ο . ﹨ Years of Love: A Wedding Dress Made for My Sister by Lumix Lumix spent the next five years haunted by this first dream. Countless rehearsals for the passionate dialogue when meeting her again ppmm What’s your mother’s last name? Unfortunately, I didn’t have the opportunity to perform this performance when I graduated from Europe... By the way, the new students are all high-spirited and motivated when they first enter the school. What are you doing to Pakistan? Don't get carried away. There are so many things to do. Among them, I have to talk about occupying seats. Tsinghua University has 108,000 classroom seats, but the library is the most in-demand. Why is there so many ppmm? The four buddies in the Oumen dormitory implemented a rotation of taking seats and taking leave. Every morning at 6 o'clock, a buddy gets up and is responsible for occupying seats. At 8:00, the successor took over and went to have breakfast. One day, Ou was the rotating chairman. I was too lazy to move when I heard the bell, so I was kicked up by the guy from the lower bunk. He was 70 centimeters away and hit the roof. The governor groaned and got out of bed without brushing his teeth. He stuffed 5 books into his schoolbag and walked away. Suddenly I forgot something. I returned to the table and picked up the mirror and comb. Miso miso miso. You don’t need to brush these teeth. But we must also keep in mind the Prime Minister’s teachings to look dignified when going out and wait in line until the door opens. Just swooped in... bang bang bang. Five books were placed on five adjacent seats. Joker would ask Aren't you four pigs? You are just as stupid as the other three pigs in my dormitory. Lumix is ​​always creating opportunities for himself But why is it that Ou always loses? The extra seat he occupies is always occupied by the frog next to Ou. Frog or my classmate Dragon Girl is going to make the European drama unhappy. By the way, I waited until 8:30 this time. My stomach was as hot as our burning heart. But none of the other three pigs have come yet, and they have to deal with other people's questions. Annoying, suddenly a pp-level mm came to ask for a seat. He pointed to the seat next to me and asked if there was anyone there, Ou thought to himself. God is not my fault. He said hurriedly that there is no one, no one, no one. So mm sat down. Ou secretly took a sideways glance, and sure enough, his stomachache and heartache disappeared, and he felt refreshed. He said that today's efficiency must be high. Maybe... but 5 minutes have passed. My stomach growled but my heart felt so good. Ou told her that the four seats next to her were also occupied by Ou. You take care of it. Oh, go have a meal. mm nodded excitedly and agreed. When she returned to the dormitory, she found that the three pigs had just gotten up and told them their location and characteristics. Ou went to eat. After the meal, he returned to the dormitory and found a pig coming back with a gloomy face. Your bullshit seats are occupied by two men and two women. A pretty girl even said that no one was there. Let her take care of it... Oubao ft After being beaten up, I went to the library to pick up books. I stared at the PP girl packing the books with a look of hatred on her face and said nothing. Poor girl, her face was red. Her boyfriend next to her stood up and said something. Ou was too lazy to listen or care. After packing his bag, he strode away with his head held high. From then on, Ou Zaizhan brought four books with him... 2 to be continued Isolation Room Edition of Big Shots Author niubiwang ヾ nebulae@smth.org ㎜] Preface: A classmate in the class came out of the isolation room and wrote an isolation note Zixia HOT9 After reading it, I felt a lot of emotion, so I wrote this article. I used a lot of irony. Please forgive me. You must ask the school hospital doctor Build, build the most inhospitable isolation room X-ray machine directly into the home At least one hundred thermometers should be stored What about the mouth, the armpits, the anus? Plug in everything he can. There are wolves and dogs in the yard, and there are watchtowers around Set up an infrared thermometer at the door Steel shell, the kind found in libraries As soon as you come in, don't worry about anything. You have to stare at it for 3 minutes Kinder Find another company of disinfectants Use 100% peracetic acid More than 800 kilograms of medicine must be poured out in one day Hang five or six more ultraviolet lamps on the roof Twenty-four hours a day Just one word bright If you keep the photo for an hour, you will get cancer all over your body Neighbors either have high fevers or have shadows on their lungs If you only have a dry cough, you will be embarrassed to say hello to others when we meet. How many square meters does an isolation room need? I think it should be 20 square meters in the end. 20 square meters is for 4 people Maximum 5 square meters Don't think it's too little, just include the corridors and toilets. You have to study the psychology of quarantined people People who can get SARS don’t care if they get schizophrenia or something like that. What are they quarantined people, you know? People who are quarantined will have to get whatever disease they are most likely to be infected with and not treat it. So our slogan for building isolation rooms is Not seeking to be cured, but seeking to cure madness Roll call Author qyu Elective courses at 6:30 in the evening. The teacher likes to take roll calls. If you don’t come 3 times, you will fail. There happened to be a popular TV series at the time, and all six people in the dormitory wanted to watch it, but they were afraid of being picked on, so there was nothing they could do. We went together several times and found that the teacher did not look up when calling the roll, so we decided to take turns to help everyone call the roll one at a time. I am the head of the room and I was the first one to go there. I felt so panicked knowing that our student numbers are all connected. I picked a seat next to the side and occupied 4 seats on the left. The teacher came in, rang the bell, and started calling the roll... The teacher still didn't look up, I snickered. I was called. Give me a loud voice. Of course I am confident. I am indeed here. The next person to order was my lower bunk. I lowered my voice and got there. The girl next to me glanced at me. The next person was sleeping with my opponent. I mentioned it... and dragged it out a little longer. The girl next to me touched her head on the table and almost burst out laughing. I looked at her helplessly. Then another lower bunk to me using my own voice But I moved to the far left position and shouted, but the teacher still didn’t respond. The teacher turned a page. At this moment, I sat back. At this time, the teacher ordered again. There was nothing I could do. I bite the bullet and hold my throat. It’s coming. I don’t dare to shout. The sound was so bad that I was scared. People were laughing all the way around and the sound in the classroom was a bit chaotic. The girl next to me was already smiling so much that the teacher looked up and stopped talking. Is it quiet every time? What's wrong today? Don't talk. After saying that, he lowered his head to look for where he had found it. I felt terrible. What should I do? With classmates Her face turned red and she nodded slowly. At this time, the teacher had already called Yang Gangjun, but the girl did not respond. The teacher called Yang Gangjun again. I nodded towards the girl and heard the clear and high-pitched female voice. This girl is so nice. Please give me a late night snack. This time it was all over. I let out a sigh of relief... and ignored the jokes of other students around me. But the teacher didn’t click on it right away. Instead, he said, why did the girl call me such a name? Now the whole class was overwhelmed and I couldn't bear it anymore. The girl fainted. ξ Bits and pieces of twenty years by oldgunner ζ ξ ξ 5 years old I just remember that the aunt next door got married 6 years old I was running around naked, and just in time to recruit new students at the village primary school, I said to the teacher, "I want to go to school." The teacher pulled my penis and laughed, "Next year." 7-year old I went to school. I learned "a o e" in the afternoon of the first day and kept shouting it until I went to bed. Dad used a flashlight to drive the chickens who were too scared to go home one by one. 8 year-old I wet the bed again. Mom wants to take the sheets and mattress outside to dry in the air. I won't let it go. In the end, I compromised with my mother, "If anyone asks, just say it was dad who peed." 9 years old I climbed up the wall of Xiaoqing's house and peed in her yard. She stabbed me with a bamboo pole. I also added, "Tie Gen urinates farther than you." Later, for a long time, I always found fault with Tie Gen. 10 years old During Chinese class, I gently put my feet on Xiaoping’s feet She cocked her head and spit on my foot, then rubbed it with her other foot. The next time we adjusted our seats, the head teacher, the Chinese teacher, didn’t let Xiaoping and I sit at the same table. 11 years old I put an empty bowl on the table and asked my mother, "What's in the bowl?" My mother said, "There is nothing." "It's air" 12 years old Started living in a dormitory 13 years old I stole the cookie from the girl at the same table and put a handful of dirt in it. She wondered, "How come today's biscuits age so quickly?" " 14 years old While chatting, I overheard Wang Xi mention "masturbation" and asked, "What is masturbation?" They were laughing so hard. "Ask Sun Lili." I really asked and saw a red face. I got a blank look, but I still got a note that can only be understood but cannot be expressed in words. study hard, improve every day 15 years old I started to wonder why girls all look so attractive. 16 years old The boy and girl I read during class were confiscated by the teacher. Later I asked him for it, but he refused to return it. 17 years old He stole the school's chrysanthemums and made tea to drink. He also tried to flirt with the girl behind her, but she refused to drink it. It is said that drinking a man's tea will lead to children. 18 years old On the day when the military training ended, everyone went crazy on the playground. Two girls were standing behind me, holding hands. I pulled one of the girls and said, "Look, instructor." She walked forward and suddenly I felt like my arm was being held by someone, and there was a kind of fragrance floating around. I glanced at it with my peripheral vision. It's another girl. She obviously got the wrong one. Everyone is wearing military uniforms, so it's hard to identify. In the next two minutes, my mentality went through the transformation from a boy to a man. Although it changed back two minutes later Later when I saw this girl, as long as I smiled weirdly, she wouldn't dare to raise her head. 19 years old I stood at the fourth floor window and saw butterflies flying around. Actually, they are just fallen leaves. The girl I like has a boyfriend. 20 years old I came out from evening self-study, and there were two restless boys standing at the door. One of them stopped me, "Classmate, can you help me? There is a letter here." Please give it to the girl in the striped shirt in the room. "I took the letter and walked in to hand it over. The girl took the letter blankly and looked at the envelope over and over. I made a heroic exit and just left the house. The two boys looked like they were crying, "I'm sorry, we got the wrong person. You can go and get the letter back." 21 years old There were no telephones in our dormitory at that time, so the man in the reception room shouted through the loudspeaker. The sound was transmitted to the small speaker in our dormitory Once, a female voice suddenly came from the loudspeaker, "*** someone is looking for you." I was wondering why the uncle turned into a woman, so I shouted into the small speaker, "Why are you a woman?" Then I heard the uncle yelling "come down" Entering the reception room, the uncle said, "Let me show you why my wife is a woman." 22 years old Graduation dinners are held every day, and I drink with a fellow villager until I blush, drinking one cup after another. Put your arms around your neck and make fists, "Brothers, good brothers, good brothers in life and death, good brothers in life and death forever." I don't know where he is today. I haven't heard from him in three years. 23 years old I grew my hair long and was very proud of it. Giving up my seat on the bus to an older sister holding a child The eldest sister held the child's hand and taught, "Come on, come on, thank you sister." 24 years old Phone records of the second oldest child in our class "I am planning a real estate project and I will be the vice president in three months. I can fly over to see you at the end of the year." "I am in charge of a fruit tree project in poverty alleviation." "I'm on duty in a Tibetan medicine factory" "I have no money for sex." "My girlfriend is right next to me and we are getting married." 25 years old I was wandering around campus late at night and saw a girl walking alone "I'll take you home" She ran. After running for a while, she stopped and turned around. "If you want to give it to you, just give it to you." But I don’t have a home." ㄨ A Story of Xiao Yin Yin by candypig ぺ へ It's not x, it's yin I wrote to her when I was a freshman. She studied her beloved Chinese medicine major. I told her that someone bullied me in school As a result, he replied to me a letter containing a strange plant. Let me put the two dry beans above into the water glass of the 75 person. Later I found out it was Croton Fortunately I didn't let go, otherwise someone would have died. Another time, a very nasty and annoying boy in her grade harassed her. She said she wanted the boy to accompany her to the toilet That kid almost didn't get a nosebleed on the spot, but ended up at the door of the toilet. She took advantage of the man's inattention and kicked him Kicked her into the women's toilet. The female director of their class was squatting inside. Later it was said that the boy's fate could not be any more miserable. When I went to play with her, her roommate told Ou that it was their first time taking a human body class. Facing a dried muscle tissue specimen, we looked at the corpse and laughed for a long time. Then he stretched out his hand and pulled out a muscle strand. No one dared to approach him that day. When he returned home from the winter vacation and had a party with the sexy girls, he took out a set of jade objects that looked like rolling pins. They said it was the content of the elective course and I wanted to show it to me. I just didn’t know it was a scam. I agreed. Who knew he was studying Chinese massage? Calling Ou Na a ravage. What’s even more terrifying is that Ou saw her smiling evilly and taking out a small bag. Then he told me that the full name of the class he studied was actually Chinese Medicine, Acupuncture and Massage. Ou saw a row of sparkling silver needles. Fortunately, I ran fast. Therefore, anyone who is infected with Yin Zi must have strong nerves and a strong body. Otherwise, you can’t live or die. The Jealous Master’s Wife by sunnyx ﹨﹨ Senior brother is famous for being henpecked But I didn't know how scary it was until that day. Because the subject application requires surprise The boss ordered everyone not to leave and even ordered packed lunches and supper in advance. It was obvious that we were going to stay up all night and ordered everyone to turn off their cell phones. At around 7 o'clock in the evening, the senior brother started to feel restless. But everyone was very excited and no one paid attention to him. I kept looking at the unplugged phone Finally, around 9pm, the concierge came up. He said hurry up and plug in the outside line and take a call. He can't stand it anymore So the outside line was connected, and the phone dinged and the phone came in. A senior sister next to me quickly grabbed the phone with quick hands and eyes. Hey, you're looking for XXX. It's not very convenient now. Who are you? Look again, the elder brother’s face is pale and shaky. The boss came over. When he heard the call from his sister-in-law, his face immediately became serious. He waved his hand to stop the senior sister who was worried about the world being in chaos. Then he grabbed the phone and turned his back Haha, I heard him say With my personality as a professor and more than 20 years of party experience, I guarantee XXX is at work. He must be sent home before 12 o'clock. Joke monthly magazine May 2003 issue date: 2003.06.04