Sender: Dio It’s time to change your nickname, message area: Joke Title: [Monthly] A September-October issue that will keep you warm even if it snows Sending site: Shuimu Community Mon Nov 9 09:06:12 2009 , within the site * * * ミ﹡ , @ ﹡ * . September and October combined issue ' September and October combined issue In the elevator at work in the morning by SmartOuch One of the guys took out his cell phone from his bag to check the time, and then muttered something like “fuck you.” Everyone looked at him, thinking he was late, but it turned out He is holding an air conditioner remote control in his hand page 1 September and October combined issue Watch a joke today by darkspider A reporter asked a 104-year-old woman what the best feeling is now. The woman replied that there is no pressure from peers, which is wonderful. page 2 September and October combined issue The old version is garbage by ddl In the laboratory in the afternoon, my junior sister was watching the new version of The Condor Shooting with her back to the door. As soon as my senior brother came over, he said that the old version was good. The junior sister argued that the new version is good-looking. The senior brother laughed and liked the new and disliked the old. The junior sister was angry because she couldn't find her bf. Now that the door is getting bigger, I don’t like the old version. The old version is garbage. I caught a glimpse of the boss wiping it with a handkerchief. Wiped the sweat on his forehead and retracted his feet that he had just stepped into the laboratory. Page 3 September and October combined issue Bad jokes by Laysia The teacher called Liu Hua’s name in class! As a result, a child yelled back "yeah!" The teacher was very angry. Why didn't he say that? The child said that the word is pronounced "ye" Page 4 September and October joint issue The Old Summer Palace was mainly cooked by French beasts by daneestone I talked and gestured with such a British girl for a whole day, talking about Tai Chi and Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism. At the end of the day, her eyes were straightened when she heard that, and she was so devoted to Chinese culture. I felt guilty on my side. Khan, I hate myself for wasting my time in these ten years. After thinking about it, I decided to change the subject. Asked her how she enjoyed the Summer Palace and she said the Summer Palace was so cool blablabla... So I put on a straight face and asked her seriously: Do you know that there is another Summer Palace than this one? Where has the much cooler one gone? She was startled at first, then lowered her eyebrows with a look of shame and despair. Yes, I know, that is all our heroes. The Chinese people burned them after looting. I seemed a little soft-hearted, so I reminded her. There are also French people. She suddenly seemed like a drowning person who had grasped a straw. It was mainly the French beasts who did it. Those animals Page 5 September and October joint issue Re: The shocking truth this morning by bicogu When I took the train many years ago, it was the old-fashioned kind with green leather windows. After driving, a man took out a roasted chicken, pulled off the head of the chicken in a masculine manner, and swished the whole body of the roasted chicken in a cool and unrestrained manner. thrown out the window Then he stared at the chicken head in his hand in a daze for a while and then started to nibble. Page 6 September and October joint issue Also tell me about overdoing it when picking up the bride by zhengzn Let me tell you something funny too When a friend of mine got married and welcomed the bride, the groom sang outside the door, knelt down, swore, and handed out red envelopes, but he still refused to open them. The bridesmaid asked the groom to pay another 16,999 for the wedding fee. When the groom was hesitating, he heard a loud noise coming from inside the room. Zhizhizhihuan, don’t give me even 1 point. Then the whole audience will be silent for a few minutes. The bride will open the door and come out by herself. Walk away with the groom Page 7 September and October joint issue Re: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to the person you like? by starmoonh I'm talking about a thunderous, cold and violent idiot. By the way, when we were talking about DNA and in vitro fertilization in the middle school biology class, I had a crush on the boy in our class. I was greatly inspired by this biological knowledge. I secretly pulled a piece of his hair and put it on the The film was stored in a small drum box. My thought at that time was that I would only like this person for the rest of my life. Even if he and I are not destined to be husband and wife in the future, I can still use the DNA in his hair to give birth to a child of mine and his. Oh my God, there are times when I am so brainless. Then this little box was always treasured by my side. Later, that boy became my first boyfriend. Then I cheated on her, and then I got a boyfriend again, and I packed up my stuff after I graduated from graduate school. West, my best friend was watching me put it away in my dormitory. Suddenly this small box popped out of the drawer. My best friend and I Mi said it was **’s hair. My best friend was stunned for a moment and I said, I wanted to have a child with him at that time. My best friend was stunned again, and then we both laughed so much that we almost rolled to the floor. This box finally Into the trash can Page 8 September and October joint issue Have a small bowl of braised noodles by quingky When I saw the small bowl of beef ramen, I also told you a true story from my hometown. A man in the village went to eat braised noodles and had the following conversation with the boss: Someone, have a small bowl of braised noodles, small accent Boss, okay Someone uses a big bowl to serve a big accent Boss no problem Someone serve more soup Boss, okay. I thought I used the big bowl because I wanted to order more soup. Someone continued to say, don’t be too thin Boss fainted Page 9 September and October joint issue Field testing by almostsure The air quality at home is poor. I heard someone said that air purifiers work very well now, so I went to Suning to choose one. The shopping guide was very attentive and introduced each product one by one. She also talked about the many benefits of removing flying dust and filtering formaldehyde. After checking the price and size, we found one. The shopping guide quickly brought a new one and placed it in the aisle to turn it on on the spot. Detailed introduction to the function of this model Also, you see, there are three-color LED indicators here. Blue means the air quality is good, and green means the air quality is poor. The red color is very poor. I just turned it on now. You see it is blue. I have some doubts. If the air quality is so easy to detect, it cannot be fake. There are many people and plastics here in Suning. The air quality is so good Before the shopping guide could reply, a big man passed by and clearly farted, and then about three or four seconds passed. The indicator light changes from blue to green and then to red Pay the invoice without saying a word Page 10 September and October joint issue Brush Test Tubes by Veronica Today I asked a chemistry man what do xxoo and chemistry have in common? Answer xxoo is like brushing a test tube Let me ask again, which of the two do you prefer? Answer: Brush test tubes. How cool it is to brush test tubes. You can keep brushing them. Page 11 September and October joint issue Telling about an attempt to molest a traffic policeman by Shark A friend of a colleague, a woman, we had dinner with last time, and the next day I heard her talk about a flirtatious relationship. The NC incident where the police failed After having dinner that night and coming out of the hotel, she drove out and saw a traffic police officer, but she didn't know. Is it because she is handsome or something? She deliberately drove slowly on the road near the traffic police because she didn't drink. The traffic police will pay close attention to the car driving out of the hotel and check for alcohol. If they find her, she will be fine. As a result, the traffic policeman did what she wanted and asked her to pull over and get out of the car. She was so happy that she succeeded in teasing the traffic policeman. The police didn't ask her to take a breathalyzer test. He lowered his head to write a list and told her that driving in high heels would be fined 50 yuan. Page 12 September and October joint issue A few things about fat people by ufoe 1 Today someone said to me very regretfully that he was going to introduce me to a talented girl from Peking University, but when the other person heard me Since he is a fat man, he declined politely. The reason is that fat men have poor self-control. I am very sad. Prepare. Eat an ice cream before going to bed to soothe yourself 2 A girl once said to me seriously: Our family thinks you are too fat. If you get married, you will probably If I die early, I will be a widow for many years. I gently held her hand and said, my dear, I heard what you said. I would rather let you become a widow now 3 On a blind date, we had a pleasant chat and felt very relaxed. She suddenly asked me, “Do you know how to pee when you urinate?” Is there something wrong? I don’t understand. She explained that your belly is so big, can’t you see it? I immediately answered her and said, "As for the non-visual urination procedure, I want you to Have more say than me Page 13 September and October joint issue Terror in the middle of the night by dullkoala I slept until midnight last night Suddenly I felt the bed shake Husband sat up Scream MD and I will kill your whole family Prepare to comfort the husband in the nightmare Before I had time, I saw him quickly turning over and getting out of bed. Pick up the fly swatter, bang bang ..... Then there were a few little black spots on the wall Page 14 September and October joint issue Re: Let me tell you how to choose hairy crabs by judygsf By the way, LG brought back a crab coupon yesterday. There was a page with a crab on it and a red circle on the head. written next to I flicked here and then I flicked the paper and thought, what kind of new anti-counterfeiting technology is this? Then my husband took it away and started playing it too. Only then did I realize that I was laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. They drew pictures to tell me how to pick crabs, and they had to knock the crabs’ heads. Page 15 September and October joint issue The hubbub of circumcision by zheng8114356 Original text Beijing Post Forum After reading the post about circumcision posted by the friend above, I couldn’t help but think of one of my classmates, a male doctor. The college's talk was eloquent. When this dear friend was in his junior year, the school organized his class to go to a certain medical school. Hospital Internship The content of the internship is surgery One day when I was chatting with my tutor, my tutor accidentally said that if any of you want to Come to me for surgery. I'll talk about it. The price can be greatly reduced. This dear friend suddenly thought of My foreskin was too long, so I wanted to take the opportunity to cut it off to save some money, so I shyly mentioned it to my instructor. The instructor patted his thigh and said, "This little thing costs money, but I'll do it for you for free," so I arranged it immediately. Physical examination, blood test and surgery date set On the day of the operation, this man was fully prepared, took off his pants, and lay on the hospital bed to wait. During the surgery, the instructor came in and looked at the surgical site carefully and suddenly said, I forgot one thing. Just wait ten minutes and I'll come back to do it for you right away. Then I turned around and rushed out the door. Not long after, this dear man suddenly heard a lot of people outside the operating room, including the instructor. Big voice, dear students, this opportunity to observe is very rare. Generally speaking, circumcision surgery When it comes to patient privacy, students are not allowed to observe. However, we are the ones doing the surgery today. Page 16 September and October joint issue Now that everyone is so familiar, it doesn't matter, but order must be ensured. When this man was surprised, he saw the whole class, including about twenty female classmates. All of a sudden, people gathered in front of his operating table. The scene was quite spectacular. Everyone watched it very carefully. Many people pointed at his surgical site. In order to let everyone see it more clearly, his instructor The surgical site was fiddled with repeatedly and every step of the operation was explained in detail. But this man wanted to die at that time. Got it all Later, this dear friend graduated and changed his profession to become a veterinarian. Page 17 September and October joint issue This is quite pitiful by runsyeh 原文 figohit@Love 暗恋一MM,多次示意均无回应 一次天赐良机在某个方面帮了她一把 于是索要 回礼 终于该MM表示请喝饮料 是日 在无人的角落 MM递给一瓶盖 不解 示意翻过来看 只见 再来一瓶 tmd 第 18 页 九 十月合刊 Re: 38岁的失败男人会有一个美好的明天吗 by KsJ 原文 backdoor@WorkLife 第一不要怕学校不理想 贾庆林的母校到现在也没几个人知道 石家庄工业 学院 第二不要怕短暂的停留 李长春毕业后曾经留校两年待分配 第三不要怕起点低,吴邦国毕业后直接进厂当了工人 况且一干就是10年 第四不要怕条件苦 胡锦涛参加工作时就在甘肃的大山里修水电站 居然还被 评为劳模 第五不要怕地方偏 温家宝在甘肃修水库一直到四十岁才进机关 第六不要怕提拔慢 贺国强三十七岁才当上车间主任 第七看完后赶紧去做自己的事情 别以为自己真能当常委 ! 第 19 页 九 十月合刊 昨晚我被人用了防狼喷雾 糗大了 zz by caca13 我就开门见山的说了吧 闷在心里真难受 这么丢脸的事也不能跟身边 的人说 具体经过是这样的 昨天晚上和几个好久不见的朋友吃消夜 大家都挺高 兴的 吃吃喝喝的聊到了11点 我这人肠胃不好 稍微不注意就容易拉肚子 果 然酒还没喝完肚子就疼起来了 本来想就在这解决的 不巧餐馆的厕所堵了 看的我差点把刚吃的吐出来 好在吃饭的地方离家不远 看看时间也不早了 就 和朋友们告辞拦了辆车回家 一上出租车肚子就开始揪心的疼 那个难受就别提了 后悔刚才没 解决 因为我住在大学的家属区里 回去的时候已经11点多了 学校的 大门也关了 的士进不去只好下车往里走 有必要让大家知道一下我住的地方 进了学校往左拐是学生宿舍 和教学区 往右拐是家属区 家属区就一条路 我家就在家属区的最 第 20 页 九 十月合刊 深处 从大门走进去也不算远 大概5分钟就到了 不过到了晚上 路很黑 没来过的人走起来还是有点怕人的 一下车我就立马往家走 因为注意力都集中在屁股上也不敢跑 刚拐一个 弯看见前边有个矮个的年轻女人也在往里走 我也没在意继续走我的 那女人 回头看了我一眼马上加快脚步 我知道她估计没把我当好人 要是平时碰见这 种情况我大概就原地等等 免得弄些不必要的误会 但是当时实在是肚子疼的 要命 要在等等估计就出来了 形势所迫我决定走快点 超过那个女的 没想到 那女的迈开小短腿越走越快 我也加快脚步 这下好了那女人走两步就回头看 我一眼 手也放进包里 当时我以为她是快到家了在拿钥匙 最后已经是小 跑了 于是我也走的更快 离她也越来越近 现在想想我满身的酒气让她更加 坚定了我不是好人 就快超过他的时候她突然把手从包里抽了出来 还拿了个东西对着我 当时虽然路灯很混暗我还是立马反映过来是 防狼喷雾剂 下意识的用手挡了一下 但脸上 眼睛里还是火烧似的疼 眼睛也睁不开了 又感觉脑袋上重重的挨了一下 当时我是又惊又 怒的 低着头一只手用袖子擦眼睛一只手抓住那女人 心想这可不能 让这婊 子跑了 那女人已经是半疯狂状态 一边用一种非正常人能 第 21 页 九 十月合刊 发出的声音大喊 抓色狼拉 救命啊 一 边手脚也没闲着对着我是拳打脚踢 我眼睛疼的不行 还得用力 做提肛运动 对她的拳脚是完全没有招架能力 混乱中小DD又狠狠的挨了一下 我终于没有把住下边的的关口 惨叫了一声松开了手 那女人也边叫边跑了 这时周围的居民楼里已经有好多灯亮起来了 我到是冷静下来 在这个家 属区住了20几年 基本上都是熟人 要是让人看见我这副德行我怕是得搬家了 只好努力支撑起身往家里跑 好在路上没有人 一路跑到楼下终于是支撑不 住 身上的味道再混上防狼喷雾剂的味道混合起来是一种不知道怎么形容的恶 心 我哇哇的吐了一大堆 越吐越觉得恶心 越恶心越想吐 终于把晚上吃的 全倒了出来红红绿绿的一大堆 勉强支撑着上了楼 家里人都睡了 我悄悄的把身上清理干净 把内裤直接装在塑料袋里扔了出去 用肥 皂把脸洗了又洗 整理完了才躺上床 但眼睛还是疼的厉害 一晚上 都没睡成 第二天一大早我就带了个墨镜搭车去了离家比较远的一家医院检 第 22 页 九 十月合刊 查 医生诊断是双眼轻微灼伤 开了两瓶眼药水 点了一下好了 很多 中午回到家关上门就准备睡觉 这时楼上的黄大妈和隔壁 个单元的李阿姨来我家串门拉家常 听见我妈说 不知道谁在门栋口吐了一 大堆 真是够缺德的 李阿姨 这算什么 小鲁的老婆昨天在楼下碰见色狼了 黄大妈 可不是么 不过那女人也真够狠的 听说那色狼的屎都给她打 出来了 第 23 页 九 十月合刊 [部分]2009年9月joke版友水平测试 by smallmajia 选择题 每题仅有一个正确选项 1.随着经济全球化的发展 中国企业逐渐将业务拓展到全国乃至世界各地 越 来越多的商务人士需要长期的出差以满足工作需要 两地分居导致出轨事件频 繁 离婚率大增 几年后 社会的不满终于积蓄到了临界点 离婚的丈夫们发 起骚动 集体捣毁了一家软件企业 这家软件企业是 A. 卡巴斯基 B. 江民 C. 瑞星 D. 诺顿 2.李老头今年70多岁 身体还很硬朗 胡同里的男男女女见到他 都 要笑着招呼一声 李大爷 李老头有个奇怪的习惯 每天下午都要 趁着家里没人的时候 把自己锁在房间里 拉上窗帘 打开电脑 戴 好耳机看一部电影 8月底 中外大片的宣传攻势轮番轰炸 大家异常 第 24 页 九 十月合刊 兴奋 李老头依旧躲在房间里看自己的电影 结果9月初 就在胡 同里人人期待国产大片即将上映的时刻 家人意外发现李老头在 房间里上吊自杀了 痛定思痛 家人发誓找出元凶为他讨回公道 毅然起诉 A. 张艺谋 B. 陈凯歌 C. 韩三平 D. 田壮壮 3.女1跟男是情人关系 男喜欢女2 但是却跟女3结婚了 女1看到男如此花心 喜欢女2于是吃醋了 但是女1并没有直接表达醋意 相反 女1抬出了女3来警 告男 从感情上讲 女1和女3的关系是情敌 但是她们又互相容忍对 方的存在 从伦理学上讲 虽然男跟女3结婚了 但是跟女3关系最亲 近的恰恰是女1 她的情敌 请问女2 的职业是 A. 护士 B. 女警 C. 老师 第 25 页 九 十月合刊 D. 空姐 4.有个盲人娶了个平胸老婆 由于盲人患有高血压 二人从不行房事 只能互 相亲昵爱抚 聊以慰藉 话说有一天 盲人到一家面包专卖店买面包 挑着挑 着忽然高血压犯了 当场倒地送院急救 请问这家面包专卖店卖的是 A. 羊角面包 B. 俄式大列巴 C. 菠萝包 D. 椰蓉奶油包 论述题 请根据题目要求进行论述 9月是一个特别容易健忘的季节 对于工作压力日渐增大的都市白领来 说尤其难熬 日前 一个盗窃团伙在本地空调厂盗窃空调机时被警方 一举抓获 令人惊讶的是 经过审讯 警方发现原来该团伙以前只在 地铁上行窃 专门针对早高峰人流偷窃乘客的手机 钱包 试分析 为什么这样一个专偷地铁乘客的团伙突然改行偷空调了 第 26 页 九 十月合刊 参考答案 1. C 解析 因为该死的瑞星狮子总是在不恰当的时候打呼噜 2. C Analysis: Because at that time, people in the alley would ask each other if they had seen the uncle masturbating. Mr. Li The head was under great psychological pressure 3.D Analysis Reference Post The funny conversation between the daughter and the stewardess on the plane made the father so embarrassed 4. C Analysis: Among all the breads, only the pineapple buns feel the same as real breasts when stuffed into the cup. Analysis question. Because the thieves stole a lot of remote controls, it would be a pity to throw them away, so they had to steal the air conditioner. pair Page 27 September and October joint issue Speechless Masseur Original Cold Not Funny by SundayMore Recently I felt sore in my back and couldn’t swim, so I went for massage after working overtime. Here’s what I got: one Masseur, your liver is full of fire and your blood is hot. Do you know what this means? I, uh, does it mean that I am a passionate young man? Masseur I ah, it hurts two Masseur, you are so young and have such serious lumbar muscle strain. How did you do it? I, uh, don’t carry a purse anyway. Masseur I ah, it hurts three Page 28 September and October joint issue I screamed in pain after being massaged. I ah ah yo ah yo hey Masseur, what are you doing? Your screams have different sounds. I also want to ask you what are you doing? How about adjusting the intensity? Masseur I, oh, hey, ah, you are so cruel Four Being massaged and having my back rubbed Me, why do I feel that you are not massaging but kneading dough? Masseur, actually massaging and kneading the dough are similar. If you can knead the dough well, you can also do a good massage. I, uh, fortunately you are a kneader and not a ramen maker, otherwise I wouldn’t be You're going to die Masseur I ah, it hurts five Page 29 September and October joint issue After cupping Masseur, you're okay. The coldness on your body isn't too heavy. The marks from the extraction are not black. I, uh, thank you. I'm sorry for making you feel unfulfilled. Masseur, please go to the front desk to pay and give me a sense of accomplishment. I uh Page 30 September and October joint issue Me and my chemistry mom at home Original by titan24 I was born into a family of science teachers. My father used to teach physics and my mother used to teach chemistry. So I chose chemical engineering as my undergraduate science major in high school. Because my family is all science majors, I used an Erlenmeyer flask and an alcohol lamp to heat the hot rice wine. Not surprising And there are often conversations like this 1. Time High School Event: I boiled the pot of soy milk My mother said, can’t you heat the water bath? My water bath 2. Time: Undergraduate student, vacation Incident I really never understood why glass rods were used to drain blood. I poured some drinks at home and they would always spill out, so I found a straw to drain the fluid. I said, wow, it turns out that using glass rods for drainage is really scientific. Mom, do you think those scientists are fools? Page 31 September and October joint issue 3. Time: University graduation stage Incident: I did it in the Tsinghua laboratory. One step was to prepare xxxg sodium chloride into 1kg solution. It was almost Saturate the volume with a volumetric flask I added NaCl to the water and stirred it vigorously. Some of it still couldn't be dissolved. I thought about it for a long time and thought that changing the temperature would change the solubility, so I called my mother and asked her. Does this increase the solubility of sodium chloride by heating or cooling? My mother said that sodium chloride is not affected by temperature at all. despised again 4. Time: Not long ago, my annual leave Event: I went home to take off my contact lenses and poured out the remaining care solution. I said, Mom, find me a waste liquid tank What's wrong with my mom? You still have the waste liquid tank, so you can pour it into the basin. Page 32 September and October combined issue recommended by MMJoke [PIC]My girlfriend dresses like this whenever I quarrel. Reprint http:www.newsmth.netbbsanc.php?p 872 5 1013 106 [PIC]Battlefield http:www.newsmth.netbbsanc.php?p 872 5 1013 109 [PIC] A formation of red police tanks suddenly appeared on Chang'an Street! 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